Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Mental warfare

Do you ever feel like you are battling with yourself? I went off all my fibro meds before I got pregnant, this included an anxiety medication which helped with many aspects of the fibro. I did pretty well without medication-better then expected actually. But I'm starting to feel depressed again and struggling to stay positive and cheerful. (I don't know if this is due to being off the medication, the hormones or something else.) Its really difficult to explain and I don't think anyone who hasn't faced depression can really understand how much of a struggle it is. It literally feels like my mind is fighting with itself to "stay above water."

I can't remember where I heard that these types of issues can be the devil attacking you where you are most vulnerable, but that sounds like a pretty accurate assessment. I know there is plenty of ammo in that area of my life right now. I struggle with feeling like an inadequate mother, and and inadequate wife. I don't keep the house clean enough, I don't cook nice meals, I'm not patient enough with my daughter etc etc. I am also struggling with personal identity issues. "Stuff" happened about a year and a half ago that made me question my entire career choice and everything I've worked for over the last 8 years. Add to that my fibromyalgia issues that really became an issue around the same time that make me question if I would even physically be able to pursue that career path. I don't know anymore what my "calling" is, what I am meant to do etc. Some days I think that I am supposed to stay home with my kids for a while. Part of me likes that idea but part of me feels like I'm not "cut out" for that. I also feel guilty for not contributing to the family income, especially right now when we could really use a second paycheck.

All of this seems to be constantly going through my head. I'm not "good enough" at any of the things I'm doing. I no longer feel like I have a true identity, I don't have goals or dreams, I don't know what I want to do or who I want to be-or what I'm meant to be. It really makes me want to hide under the covers some days.

I don't write all this to give myself a pitty party. I write it to let others with similar struggles know they are not alone. I will be looking for resources for myself and my goal is to share them here! Hopefully I can find something that helps and share it so it helps someone else. I have heard about a book called Battlefields of the Mind, which sounds rather appropriate, when I get a copy and read it I'll post what I think. Feel free to make suggestions too!


Karla Marie said...

Yeah, I was struggling with that horrible self talk for YEARS...and now, I'm learning to CONQURE it with understanding more about God and MYSELF, and HIS DESIGN for ME. I mean, obviously, He MADE me this way ON PURPOSE, FOR a purpose...it's my job to fine tune my life by applying God's Truths to my life and following after God's Heart.
Hugs, I feel ya.
Blessings, Karla Marie

debbie said...

hi sabrina,

well i know is God gave us vocations, and what he sets in front of us is what we are to do. my vocation is to be a wife,mom, teacher, and a neighbor right now cuz thats what i see in front of me. when i think about that it helps me to not worry about all that other stuff trying to tear me from whats my vocation.

as for living in your head, someone told me that we have a radio in our head!! haha always on and trying to confuse us, or turn our minds away from the word!!! i know for me its keeping in the word, daily, or talking to friends about his goodness helps me.

another thing i have noticed in my life is that the more i give to my neighbor the less im thinking about or concerned with me. (by giving to my neighbor i mean just helping out or talking to those who are near me about the word or anything, could be my family, church family or my next door neighbors!!haha)
this all helps me keep grounded daily!!!

Judy said...

Your thoughts are beautiful Sabrina...and I'm sorry for your suffering. There might be some things on my Thoughts to Ponder page over at http://www.momoften.webs.com/
that might be of interest to you...namely some posts on being "overwhelmed"...and some others on "JOY", etc...
I see you are a woman of faith...remember that CHRIST will make up where ever you are lacking...TRUST in Him that you ARE good at what you do, for HE IS YOUR GUIDE...and all He asks is for you to be FAITHFUL...not perfect. :)
Hang in there ~
God Bless your sweet family ~

Emma said...

Sabrina thanks for leading me here. Let me say first that YOU AR CUT out for staying at home with your kids because that is God's design. Did you read about ALL that stuff I did as the Director of my ministry? At least 80-90% of was done from my home. I could have never accomplished all that I did for the Life Recovery Program if it was not God's leading because in the natural it would have been too much for any homeschooling mother of 4 who is in the process of adopting two more children. I was having an awful past three weeks after resigning from my ministry. It was almost like withdrawals. I didn't know what to do with myself and I heard so much praise from others on how, now I could just focus on my family. It made me fearful to start any new endeavor because like I said before I am an all or nothing kind of person. I was afraid to do anything apart from educating my children on life and the word of God. However, after my ah-hah moment today it was like a HUGE weight was lifted. I told my husband it was like someone took the grey glasses off and I know it's o.k. to have other ministry in addition my family load because the Proverbs women was busy (occupying until the Lord comes), so it's ok if I occupy doing the Lord’s work. It may mean being more active on THL or being more active on my blog. That doesn't mean I'm going to go out looking for purpose. I can continue to stay home and be creative, and except my first calling to be a mommy and wife. I've been home for the past 10 years with my kids, but in that time I have brought in an income some way. One of my mottos is where there is a will there is a way. However, I'm not concerned about needing an identity. I know who I am. I'm a world changer and I don't need to get paid to do it even if we are just making ends meet. Don’t get me wrong pay is nice. As a matter of fact I worked for 1 ½ years without pay as Director. My calling is to be used by God to spread His word. I used to sell AVON and I was a top seller. I couldn't even imagine doing that now because it seems so futile to me. I know there are moms out there who do it, so I'm not putting them down. I'm just saying I'm at a different place now and my time is too valuable to talk about make-up. I just need to be used by God. I must. I'll post this on THL site also for the post we have been communicating on and here for your readers. Whatever you do don't feel like a failure because that is what the enemy wants and you don't want to make him happy. I find comfort in living in Seasons. This is a Season of reflection for you. Cry out to the Lord and do a lot of journaling in this time. Don't write about all of your complaints, just your sincere questions to the Lord and guess what! Keep writing and you will find that He will answer you back in your journal. It works every time. If you just pick up the pen and write. I’m normally a pretty upbeat person, but just the past few weeks of being down was enough for me to realize it’s a place I do not want to visit often. My prayer today…. God your word said that when I’m weak you are strong. I’m weak Lord and I can’t get off the sofa today without you! Yes, He heard. I had more vigor and purpose today than any other day this past three weeks. I’m not looking to jump into anything. I’m happy to help my sisters on-line find peace and rest in being content in where they are at, but being hopeful for more if God decides to give it. It’s a great honor to be commissioned by the Lord. Our first commission is at home first, everything beyond that is to be counted with a humble and gracious heart that we have been found worthy and faithful. The word says to he who is faithful with little, will be faithful in much. The word also says, to he that has much, much more is required. I have much in the Lord. I am spiritually rich, so I know the Lord requires more of me and much of the requirement comes with assignments He gives me. Any assignment we pursue apart from His will only give us superficial fulfillment. You will know because it will be the only thing that fulfills you. When you are on God’s assignment your home commission will be a joy. And might I add in respect to seasons. You can be on God’s assignment and balancing everything nicely and then self comes in and you will know because that is when imbalance sneaks in like a thief that comes in through your back door and stills your joy and makes you feel overwhelmed or unsatisfied with your house duties. It’s all about dying to self and seeking after God’s direction daily. May God give you direction and grant you peace.  The number #1 rule is to NEVER do more than He is calling you to do. If you do just as He says, you never have to feel guilty about what you are doing.