Do you ever feel like you are battling with yourself? I went off all my fibro meds before I got pregnant, this included an anxiety medication which helped with many aspects of the fibro. I did pretty well without medication-better then expected actually. But I'm starting to feel depressed again and struggling to stay positive and cheerful. (I don't know if this is due to being off the medication, the hormones or something else.) Its really difficult to explain and I don't think anyone who hasn't faced depression can really understand how much of a struggle it is. It literally feels like my mind is fighting with itself to "stay above water."
I can't remember where I heard that these types of issues can be the devil attacking you where you are most vulnerable, but that sounds like a pretty accurate assessment. I know there is plenty of ammo in that area of my life right now. I struggle with feeling like an inadequate mother, and and inadequate wife. I don't keep the house clean enough, I don't cook nice meals, I'm not patient enough with my daughter etc etc. I am also struggling with personal identity issues. "Stuff" happened about a year and a half ago that made me question my entire career choice and everything I've worked for over the last 8 years. Add to that my fibromyalgia issues that really became an issue around the same time that make me question if I would even physically be able to pursue that career path. I don't know anymore what my "calling" is, what I am meant to do etc. Some days I think that I am supposed to stay home with my kids for a while. Part of me likes that idea but part of me feels like I'm not "cut out" for that. I also feel guilty for not contributing to the family income, especially right now when we could really use a second paycheck.
All of this seems to be constantly going through my head. I'm not "good enough" at any of the things I'm doing. I no longer feel like I have a true identity, I don't have goals or dreams, I don't know what I want to do or who I want to be-or what I'm meant to be. It really makes me want to hide under the covers some days.
I don't write all this to give myself a pitty party. I write it to let others with similar struggles know they are not alone. I will be looking for resources for myself and my goal is to share them here! Hopefully I can find something that helps and share it so it helps someone else. I have heard about a book called Battlefields of the Mind, which sounds rather appropriate, when I get a copy and read it I'll post what I think. Feel free to make suggestions too!